June 2009, The Jewish House

Bple. Will they have one bed or two? Will their bed be king-sized, or a smaller queen? uying a bed is a loaded decision for a cou-

Which bed they buy will have ramifications on their sex life and their home life in general.

A discussion in the Gemarah (BT Shabbat 13b) explores whether or not a couple may sleep in the same bed — in their pajamas, of course, since sleeping nude in the same bed is assumed to certainly be forbidden — when the wife is nidah (sexually off-limits due to her menstrual flow). The passage raises the concern that the couple will be unable to avert the forbidden sexual relations if they are in the same bed, even when clothed.

This is why many couples who observe strict halakhah have separate beds. During the time of the month when sex is permitted, they push the two beds together. And during the period when sex is forbidden, they push the beds apart.

This cyclical distancing and reuniting each month can raise a sexual relationship and a marital relationship in general to a higher level. As Rabbi Meir suggests, when a couple is always together in a sexually intimate way, it can create a feeling of ennui in the sexual arena. (BT Nidah 31b) As the saying goes, familiarity breeds contempt. Or, on the more positive side, absence makes the heart grow fonder. Not being sexually intimate all of the time can also help a couple hone their communication skills.

This is not true, though, for all couples. Some couples find this externally imposed rhythm contrary to their own natural rhythm, and it causes tension and anxiety instead of enhancing the relationship. This is especially true for couples who need buildup in their intimacy and have trouble turning their sexuality on and off in the way a strict halakhic approach seems to require.

Rabbinic literature offers another approach, one that privileges the relationship over strict halakhah. In Sifra Metzora, Parashah 5, we learn that Rabbi Akiva disapproved of the conventional practice of women making themselves appear less attractive during times when sex was forbidden. He objected to this practice because he feared that if men saw their wives in a less physically attractive state their attraction to their wives in general would be diminished. In other words, the rabbinic institution of women purposely looking less attractive when sex was forbidden in

The Bedroom

HAVIVA NER-DAVID

order to prevent their husband’s sexual arousal was preventing their husband’s arousal during the rest of the month when sexual relations were not only permitted but were actually obligated.

While this approach may legitimatize society’s notion that a woman must constantly keep

herself attractive for her husband, we can also learn from Rabbi Akiva that observing this rhythmic sexuality within a marriage should not be used to threaten the marriage. If the ritual inadvertently threatens the marriage, it would be wise to take a less stringent approach.

For instance, some couples who take it upon themselves not to touch at all during nidah find that the estrangement creates tension in the relationship; in such a case, according to Rabbi Akiva’s precedent, it would be better for the couple to draw the line at sexually suggestive touch (i.e., foreplay) rather than all forms of touching. This would allow them affection and intimacy as long as they could control themselves and not end up in bed together. Akiva’s approach is an important model for couples today who take on this practice, sometimes without knowing how it will affect their relationship.

In fact, a couple can observe this rhythmic approach to sexuality while still sharing the same bed all month long. Dressing differently, depending on the time of the month (flannel pajamas instead of sexy lingerie), can be a way to signal a “nonsexual” mode, or using separate blankets or creating a divider with pillows. Then, a couple can enjoy the experience of one marital bed (if they are so inclined) without feeling that they are compromising their religious practice.

Another reason to choose the “one-bed” option is that it allows for the possibility of a family bed, which creates a sense of love and togetherness among the entire family especially surrounding sleep and cozy time. Having to choose between mom’s bed or dad’s bed during part of the month simply does not fit with this child-rearing philosophy.

For couples who prefer more privacy about family intimacy, the parents’ bedroom is considered off-limits to the children, and no one need take note of whether the beds are together or apart.

One can tell a lot about a couple from their choice of bed. Religious approach, parenting style, and level of intimacy are all reflected in the kind of bed one finds in a bedroom.

Rabbi Haviva Ner-David is a teacher and writer living in Israel. She is the founding director of Reut: The Center for Modern Jewish Marriage, and her new book, Finding Chanah’s Voice: A Rabbinic Challenge to Religious Patriarchy, is forthcoming from Ben Yehuda Press.